If you are undocumented, you cannot just walk into a local ICE office and demand a “Notice to Appear” issued for you. They’ll tell you that there is nothing they can do for you. You can occupy Congressional offices and shut down traffic for hours on the busiest streets in Los Angeles, but ICE will simply pay you a visit in jail, tell you not to do it again and leave you alone. It takes real skills and a lot of hard-work to get yourself placed in proceedings so here is a list of how to do so:
1. Drive while brown or black. Do something outrageous like barking at a dog while you are at a stop-light or not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign.
2. Walk home drunk with a few other brown friends.
3. Look for a day-job to make a living for your family and make sure to stand out in a totally white neighborhood rather than a random Home Depot.
4. Get lost looking for a McDonald’s and accidentally drive into Canada and try to talk your way back into the U.S.
5. Try to leave the country through the Southwest border. You are likely to get arrested and placed in jail before any sort of hearing. Actually, you may not even get a hearing.
6. Travel on Amtrak within 100 miles of the border for graduate school orientation. You should know better as a brown person — seeking higher education is a huge offense.
7. File for asylum at the border after facing horrific persecution in your home country. Wait many years for the claim to be adjudicated, build a life and family here and then get your asylum claim denied.
8. Be quadriplegic or better yet, a four-year-old U.S. citizen.
9. Call the police for help when your spouse abuses you, or better yet, divorce your abusive H-1 spouse.
10. Turn 21 — age-out — after waiting for years for the priority date of a family visa petition and insist on filing for adjustment of status anyway because you think it is preposterous that your mother isn’t your “immediate relative.”
***This post is supposed to be satire. It is not meant as legal advice.***